{life with a curious and crazy 13 yr old}
It must be amazing to be a (slightly) middle class white kid in (relative) suburbia…J & I talk about the magick of ‘no’. As if we could have ever told our parents ‘no’ without serious traumatic repercussions. Or just willy-nilly fed ourselves, or took 3-hour baths, or made any decisions about our bodies or lives at that age. And it’s not that she’s “spoiled” (whatever that means, she’s not a piece of fruit) because we allow her to have a hand in her own decisions about her own time and body, or because we treat her like a person who deserves respect and space of her own, or because we include her as a part of the family, not a prop to direct around. She’s just her own individual person. And we’re glad we can share this space with her, and that she is so amenable to be around.
Yes, the ‘no’ is sometimes slightly problematic, but not really. Just because we allow her to say ‘no’, doesn’t mean ‘no’ is the answer. It just allows her to voice her opinion, to feel heard, and then we move on. We still parent (which for us, means that we guide her to the right decision — not manipulate, or stipulate, or demand). We don’t tell her what to think but try and help her learn to think, for herself. And yes, at some point she will go out into the world and have to be a human with other humans, and the rest of the world, but right now she’s still a kid. And kid’s should have space and time to negotiate and learn the world without being expected to be mini-adults yet. We’re more interested in her responsibility to thinking and caring, than all of her chores being done (though it would be nice if she were more helpful, at the same time, she gets to it, and there are more important things in learning than laundry).
We are quite happy with the person she is becoming. Duende is amazing. She’s (wicked) funny, never cruel, and always considers the feelings of others. She’s adventurous and loves to develop new skills in the things that spark her. She’s smart, she has a great logical mind and comes up with creative solutions to complex problems. She’s always learning new skills. This week she learned to use a maul for chopping wood, started using her sewing machine (and learned many skills there — designing doll dresses/gathering, shaping, trimming cloth while watching the historic costume show), cleaned up the dooryard gardens in time for the storm, baked an entire turkey dinner (stuffing the bird with herbs and rubbing with garlic butter, making biscuits and gravy, roasting veg, etc), starting a watercolor series, deciding she wants to learn the accordion, and somehow still playing way too many cat games on her phone. She’s worked out some new (and crazy acrobatic) dance moves and helping out a lot lately (cleaning, organizing, running independent errands, learning how to hook/unhook the generator, etc).
Though somedays 13 feels like a lot, it’s very welcome.
Rock Bottom Homestead 